Calendar days of depression

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Living beings are said to have a biological 24-hour clock called the circadian rhythm which has an effect on our day to day lives. But there is a less commonly known version of this biological clock that extends for longer periods of time. It is called an infradian rhythm which explains things like the menstrual cycle, yearly migration of fowl during winter and the start of the reproduction journey for salmons and penguins.

The segue is to put into writing why I feel miserable every mid-september. I term this as my calendar days of depression. For reasons I cannot fully rationalize I feel so miserable during this period. During the college days there were even years wherein I have contemplated in committing suicide just to end it all. Thankfully those severe bouts of depression no longer happen, but still I feel miserable and depressed for two to three weeks of the first -ber month.

What is so special in this period? To mark the irony, my birth date falls in this period. A period that most people consider special and mark with flowing wine and uninterrupted supply of food. For me my birth date is a period wherein I just want peace and to be left alone. Usually I just stay at home even if my wife keeps on bugging me to celebrate. How can I celebrate if I am feeling so down? I don’t want to act like everything is ok when I don’t feel like it. There is nothing more depressing than to hear one’s own hollow laugh.

One thing I know is that Tatay (my grandfather) passed away on my birthday. I was just four years old then but until this day I can still see in my head the white walls of the hallway of the Doctor’s hospital in Cabanatuan. Damn it, I just felt my whole body shiver as I typed that one in!

They say that four year olds do not retain their memories at that age but I think that is the earliest memory that I could remember. I can still see my parents and relatives trying to show a brave front especially in front of a child. I think there is where the trauma stems. I don’t think I even know it was my birthday so don’t ask me how to explain how I correlated the two.

Nanay lived for quite long after Tatay passed away but guess the period when she finally left us . Yes, it was in the same period. Four days after my birthday to be exact. What a coincidence! I always associate the period with something bad. September was always our lean month, the time wherein the family experiences financial difficulties. Maybe that is another reason why I don’t want any celebration. There is always something better where the money can be used, no need to splurge it.

Consistently my depression period does not disappoint. I usually hear something bad happening to a family member or friend during this period. I usually wish September will pass away very quickly so that I can breath easier without the fear that something will happen to my love ones. I know it is psychological but that is just the way it is.

This year my calendar days of depression came earlier. Maybe my being away from my wife has something to do with it. The good news is that the universal balance of life is not passive. My depression is already lifting. I can now laugh without it having a hollow sound. I can smile on the little funny happenings. My colleagues probably still see me as a stoic person but I don’t care. I can sleep tonight with a smile on my face and that is good enough for me.


Friendster revisited

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Yesterday the subject of Friendster accounts came up when Ynna (now called Tsang Ynna as a sign of respect 😛 ) mentioned that our nearly troglodyte manager opened up an account. The opening of the account itself is a milestone in itself.

When I opened up my gmail account, I saw again some notification from Friendster. My friends, or whom would like to still call me a friend, know that I rarely login to my Friendster account. It was an account that I opened _just because_ and maintains because my wife tells me too. I don’t request for friends but do approve requests that come into my account so my friend count is still way down. I don’t mind, which is why I didn’t open a myspace account since maintaining a single spammer smörgåsbord account is enough.

Occasionally it serves its intended purpose and I get some messages from long lost friends like She , our always-harried college class president. Anyway today I got a message notification from Manny aka spyder aka “si kulot na lapitin ng mga maligno at multo”. I decided to login and see what the message was about and while I was there I decided to do some exploration of what Friendster has to offer since I last looked (maybe a couple of years ago?).

Overall I don’t think my Friendster activity will see any upward surge. I was hoping to update the blog link to point to this blog but I can’t find it anymore. I swear that it had that option before but now I think you can only link blogs from their sister site. No thanks, I am renting this space because I want some degree of control over whatever measly content I am dishing out.

One of the message notifications I got was that a friend has updated her blog. Looking at her account I noticed that she already got married so I got curious and jumped to her profile. Lo and behold, I am denied access because even if I already got her listed as a friend the system does not recognize the link. Crap.

In Friendster’s defense, they have made leaps in terms of increasing the security of their site. It is still a spammer’s smörgåsbord but at least they are doing something in making it harder. I just wish the members understand the options and not select the default option.

And another thing I am not sure if I like or hate is the customization part. I visited some friend’s accounts and was greeted by a blaring audio file that I don’t know how to turn off. I thank the Universe for Adblock plus since it showed me the blockable items and I was able to turn off the script that blares the cheesy sound clips. I don’t know if they have audio controls or the customization skins are just too ghastly.

Will I keep on using Friendster? Yes because friends are still using it. But I don’t like the fact that they are forcing people to use their partner services. People should have a choice so I am making mine not to use their partner services. No skin off my nose.


New home, in more ways than one

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Welcome to the new home of the boredom of ramfree17. Who would have thought that this incarnation of this blog will reach 100 pages and would survive the transfer to another host. I have spent a week trying to get this site up and running. I switched provider to because my previous provider killed of the starter package (1000 pesos per year which includes 100mb hosting and domain registration) and is only 100 pesos more expensive than my original one.

I also switched the domain name because the old domain registration is already blocked by the irritating big W implementation in the home office. Too bad I cant repoint the old domain to this one but those are the sacrifices I have to make.

This is also my first month on this offshore assignment. Well technically I have already been 34 days here in Denmark but it still feels like yesterday since I still do not have a hang of the things. I have already been to the Tivoli amusement park wherein we have conquered most of the adrenaline pumping rides. The only reason we were not able to conquer the dragon was because it broke down while we were on it. I have also been in the Little Mermaid park but I still don’t get it what is exactly great on this tourist hot spot.

Hopefully more posts about my assignment here in the land of the Danes. 🙂