RSSCalendar days of depression
Sep 21
Living beings are said to have a biological 24-hour clock called the circadian rhythm which has an effect on our day to day lives. But there is a less commonly known version of this biological clock that extends for longer periods of time. It is called an infradian rhythm which explains things like the menstrual cycle, yearly migration of fowl during winter and the start of the reproduction journey for salmons and penguins.
The segue is to put into writing why I feel miserable every mid-september. I term this as my calendar days of depression. For reasons I cannot fully rationalize I feel so miserable during this period. During the college days there were even years wherein I have contemplated in committing suicide just to end it all. Thankfully those severe bouts of depression no longer happen, but still I feel miserable and depressed for two to three weeks of the first -ber month.
What is so special in this period? To mark the irony, my birth date falls in this period. A period that most people consider special and mark with flowing wine and uninterrupted supply of food. For me my birth date is a period wherein I just want peace and to be left alone. Usually I just stay at home even if my wife keeps on bugging me to celebrate. How can I celebrate if I am feeling so down? I don’t want to act like everything is ok when I don’t feel like it. There is nothing more depressing than to hear one’s own hollow laugh.
One thing I know is that Tatay (my grandfather) passed away on my birthday. I was just four years old then but until this day I can still see in my head the white walls of the hallway of the Doctor’s hospital in Cabanatuan. Damn it, I just felt my whole body shiver as I typed that one in!
They say that four year olds do not retain their memories at that age but I think that is the earliest memory that I could remember. I can still see my parents and relatives trying to show a brave front especially in front of a child. I think there is where the trauma stems. I don’t think I even know it was my birthday so don’t ask me how to explain how I correlated the two.
Nanay lived for quite long after Tatay passed away but guess the period when she finally left us . Yes, it was in the same period. Four days after my birthday to be exact. What a coincidence! I always associate the period with something bad. September was always our lean month, the time wherein the family experiences financial difficulties. Maybe that is another reason why I don’t want any celebration. There is always something better where the money can be used, no need to splurge it.
Consistently my depression period does not disappoint. I usually hear something bad happening to a family member or friend during this period. I usually wish September will pass away very quickly so that I can breath easier without the fear that something will happen to my love ones. I know it is psychological but that is just the way it is.
This year my calendar days of depression came earlier. Maybe my being away from my wife has something to do with it. The good news is that the universal balance of life is not passive. My depression is already lifting. I can now laugh without it having a hollow sound. I can smile on the little funny happenings. My colleagues probably still see me as a stoic person but I don’t care. I can sleep tonight with a smile on my face and that is good enough for me.
ciao!