My father’s son

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I saw my father today

In fleeting moment he was dancing in our living room.

I was not hallucinating nor dreaming

But it took me a while to recognize him.

See, I got my pointer finger squeezed between the hinges of the portable dog fence.

The shock and adrenaline rush causing a familiar tirade. A wail of pain peppered with a self-directed admonishment:

“Ang tanga. Ang tanga-tangaaaa!” (“Dumb move. You d-dumbasssss!”)

While enveloped by a crimson pain for an eternity stretching few seconds that was when I saw him.

For that was exactly how he would react in situations like that. Reactions that I aways thought funny and, par for the course with my father, “eccentric”. I didn’t realize that I have appropriated it as well.

Ergo, I am my father’s son and a part of my father lives within me.

Goodbye

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It took me awhile to compose this post, possibly because of self-denial.
I am still trying to believe that everything is still the same.
The realization is now sinking in, that my brother is gone and has moved on.
I don’t know to where but I would like to think it would be a much better place.
At least in a state where he is free from physical and emotional suffering.

In his wake I have tried not to shed a tear, even cracking jokes while everyone is near.
My mind silently attempting to fill the unwanted shoes of being the new eldest son.
Wearing a smiling mask while my mouth tastes like ash.
In the end, it was all for naught as the emotions flowed out.

We would have wanted to keep him longer but at the cost of extending his suffering.
We all wanted to cheer him on, to encourage him to look at the beauty of life.
We egged him to believe in miracles for that is the only hope we can offer.
The charade went on until his body caught up with his spirit and both gave up.

I am my brother’s keeper as he was mine.
But now that is just an empty space.
It will take a while for everyone to adjust to the situation
But for his and our sake, we will soldier on.

Rest finally, rest well.
Savor the respite that your next journey bestows.
Don’t mind us anymore as you have already done your part.
We will meet you again, in spirit, in dreams or at the very least in our hearts.

Paalam Kuya Desi.

Image courtesy of Peachy Diaz-Dimaya