Welcome to reality! A parody.

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The image below was posted in a yammer group and I felt inspired to write a parody. All resemblance to real life are imaginary. It is not meant to reflect my place of work. Now with the legalese out of the way…

welcome-to-apple

There is work and there is your life-at-work.

The kind of work that has your and your team's fingerprints all over it as documented in the metrics you worked all night and submitted 1 day late.
The kind of work that you'd never compromise on, except with that tiny incident one that we don't really like to talk about as the metrics doesn't agree with it.
That we don't expect you to sacrifice your weekend but expect you to do it anyway because we over committed and under-estimated.
You can do that kind of work here. People here think safety first, where CYA is the norm and security, as we defined it, is the top most priority.
People come here to swim in the deep end but you need a swimmer and diving certification before you can do that. And you need to sign a waiver. Afterwards we still don't let you do it because it is risky and it wasn't an activity approved by HR.

They want their work to add up to something. We don't know yet but the laws of physics say that energy is not lost so it must go somewhere. I think it becomes a paycheck or something.

Something big, at least as was stated in the executive memos. Something that couldn't happen anywhere else except for Dilbert cartoons.

Welcome to the place where dreams meet the pavement of reality. In the wipe out kind of way.

14 years

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A few more minutes and the day that marks the 14th year of being with my wife is about to pass.

A steak dinner in Bistecca (courtesy of a gift certificate), dessert of swapped Magnum ice cream sticks being eaten while the car is parked in an underground mall parking, and a lot of “I can’t remember now” conversations to while the drive home. That is how we chose to celebrate it this year.

For my wife, who is lucky to have me and I to have her, I dedicate the chorus of this Guns ‘n Roses classic:

14 years of silence
It’s been
14 years of pain
It’s been
14 years that are gone forever
And I’ll never have again

*ba-dum-ching*

[NOTE: Yes my wife already heard me quote that chorus to her a few weeks back. 🙂 ]

ciao!

In the beginning (of eating)

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-Author Unknown-

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God’s great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, “You want chocolate with that?” And Man said, “Yes!” and Woman said, “and as long as you’re at it, add some sprinkles.” And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, “Try my fresh green salad.” And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, “I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in Which to cook them?” And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light fluffy white cake and named it “Angel Food Cake” And said, “It is good.” Satan then created
chocolate cake and named it “Devil’s Food.”

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy Center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald’s and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then Satan said, “You want fries with that?” And Man replied, “Yes,! And super size them!” And Satan said, “It is good.” And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. Then Satan created HMOs.

Thought for the day ….

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer’s research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

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